#401
alt . mst . wacky-race . what-the?
Date: 09/04/2001
From: h_wood
<h_wood looks around, suddenly realizing he is now in first, thanks to a Trek-esque plot device. Seeing the other racers over his shoulder gaining fast on Megaweapon, he decides to unveil his secret weapon>
h_wood: Ha ha! That 1000 mile trip I went on this weekend was to Indianapolis, where I leaned a thing or two about the art of autoracing! Feel the G's bay-bee!
<he then pops the clutch dropping Megaweapon into _second gear_, bringing the speed up to an unprecedented 12 mph, once again extending his lead on the pack...>
h_wood: Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!
h_wood
"Whoooo Arrrrrrre Yoooooooooou!?!?!?"
Servo, Warrior of the Lost World
#402
UNBELIVABLE!!!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
A complete Commodore 64 for 50 cents!!! Now I need to get a power supply for the car, which now has a...what the?...An I Heart Pauly Shore bumper sticker???!!! (replaces it with a SHOW ME YOUR TOMATOES novelty bumper sticker). Anyway, Registration Lady, you want to help me with this? (Hears sound of a gun cocking from front of car) well, I guess not!
(to be continued)
#403
[PM's Rig flies up behind h_wood,
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
Mickey, and Schmoe_John...]
[PM] Let 'em have it, Sam!
[Sam flips a switch, and a nozzle pops out on either side of the Rig. A pink mist starts spraying out, and fogging up the road! The drivers of the various vehicles can be seen coughing on the stuff.]
[Sam] Um, boss, what *is* that stuff?
[Buffalo] Yeah man, what're you whammyin' 'em with?
[PM] A simple pheremone compound. It's designed to act both as a stimulant and as a hormonal accelerant, removing all inhibitions from whoever breathes it! I call it: "TUBULAR, BOOBULAR JOY"!!!
[Sam and Buffalo] *GASP*!!!
[PM] MUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#404
*Schmoe_John* ?!?!?!?
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
I must have caught a whiff of the Tubular, Boobular Joy myself! I got confoozled!!!
TmPM
Sarcophagus!
#405
Oh Steffi! Oh Registration Lady!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Oh noseplugs! Phew, sorry you had to see that Registration Lady.
RL: No problem. Can we stop somewhere so I can throw up?
Mickey: Of course! (Mickey stops immediatly and lets RL out. Mickey takes off and RL is screaming. Once out of RL's sight, Mickey stops at an abandoned warehouse and lugs the Commodore 64 in).
Mickey: Thankfully, I took Nick's class at Vermont U.
(to be continued)
#406
<comes up behind PM's Big rig>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: TDOs_TIME_PLANE
<plane is black and burnt, but still going.>
TDO: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
<TDO pulls out a tommy gun and blows up the fuel tank.>
PM: OH NO!!!!
TDO: Apult my cat will you!
<bug rig bursts into flames. PM crashes into the road side. TDO's plane comes to a stop>
TDO: Steffi, baby...
STEFFI: Yes...
TDO: Hand me the Rocket lancher, my love...
STeffi: okay...
<Steffi gives TDO the rocket laucher. TDO aims and shoots. PM and his shock troops run away>
TROOPER: ITS GONNA BLOW!
PM: HIT THE DIRT!!!
<PM and troops jump as the Big rig explodes in a fury of fire and wreckage>
TDO: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
<tdo zooms off>
--2 B continued--
#407
[Registration Lady looks up...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
...from being sick. She sees that Mickey has left her in the dust.]
[Registration Lady] Damn that Mickey! Oh, here comes another vehicle.
[RL puts out her thumb to signal the approaching vehicle. It's PM's Big Rig, which blows on by her and splashes her with a puddle in the road. RL is soaked, and she's not sure just what by, given the various things that have been spilled in the road by all the racers.]
[Registration Lady] *That* does it!
[RL makes a fist with her right hand and holds her oddly-decorated bracelet up to her right eye.]
[RL] Supah-Transformu: Jetu Jaguar. HAJIME!!!
[RL's bracelet flashes with a weird prismatic light, and her form blinks in and out in negative colors. Kicky, Sixties-style theme music blares all around her, and in moments the form of RL is replaced by that of Jet Jaguar!!!]
[Jet Jaguar (in Japanese)] <They all will pay for this outrage!>
[Jet Jaguar grows to collosal size, and takes off into the air! Who knows who it (she?) will strike at first?]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#408
<turns to Wengler>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Misty_DAS_truck
Misty: Thanks again for letting me borrow the van.
Wengler: Yeah, I--(stops and sniffs) What's that?
Misty: (sniffs) It's Tubular Boobular Joy!
Wengler: The hell?
Misty: It's area-logical, auto-erotical, tubular, boob-ular joy. An expose-ular regional, batch-ular pouch-ular fun for girl and boy!
Wengler: (not getting it) Oh. (pauses) Misty, did PM say this was a hormone accelerant?
Misty: Ooh. Well, it's just us guys and stuff, so...
Wengler: Yeah. (both look out windows until the TBJ passes) Hey, there's PM's big rig. I got an idea. (pushes a button and the back door flies open. several guys in silver suits get on top of the roof with flamethrowers and blast the rig. the back half turns black.) That should do it.
Misty: Here's some coffee.
Wengler: (takes the coffee, takes a sip, and spits it out.) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, NO SUGAR! IT MAKES ME CRAZY!
Misty: Sheesh!
#409
AAAA RRRRRRRR GGGH!!!!!!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[The Rig is in flames. PM sinks to his knees as he sees TDO fly off triumphantly. Buffalo runs around, screaming like an idiot, fanning the flames that are consuming his Roy Rogers counter-worker uniform. A dark shadow is rapidly widening over the wreckage.]
[PM] Sam! Activate the Omega 13 device!
[Sam] What?
[PM] The Omega 13 device! Activate it!
[Sam] Is it mellow?
[PM] What th-- YES!!! IT'S MELLOW, ALREADY!!!
[Sam pushes down the big chrome plunger that's sticking out of the only part of the Rig not engulfed by flames. A bunch of weird, blue blobs come out of the device and swirl around the truck. They swirl faster and faster, until they collapse into a bright flash of light, and...]
[PM sits at the controls of his undamaged Rig. Sam is leaning back in his seat, toking on a number, and doesn't notice the bright blip on the radar screen that's rapidly approaching the Rig.]
[PM] Sam! Brace for evasive maneuvers!
[Sam] Wha--?
[PM] DO IT, SAM!!!
[PM hits the "Cloaking Device" button, and the Rig vanishes. He then jinks the wheel hard to the left and kicks in the emergency brakes. Buffalo walks in, carrying a big plate of grits.]
[Buffalo] Hey y'all! I made lu-- [He flies forward, and lands face-first in the plate of grits.]
[The Rig skids to a stop several hundred yards behind where TDO was going to intercept it.]
[Sam] What was that for, Big Daddy? That was *way* unmellow!
[PM] Watch and learn, my friend.
[Far ahead, TDO leans out of his plane in bewilderment, trying to figure out where PM's Rig went. He notices a rapidly expanding shadow, and horror crosses his face. His panicked attempts to start the plane up again are too little, too late as Jet Jaguar crashes down from the sky, directly upon him!]
[PM starts up the rig again, and makes the Rig visible once again as they pass the Jet Jaguar impact zone. PM gives the air horn a blast as TDO drags himself and Steffi out of the crushed plane...]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#410
Time now for phase 3...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM flips a switch marked "Decoy #3", and another box lands on the side of the road. It unfolds into a little stand marked "All you can eat bacon double BBQ cheeseburger sammiches", with signs alongside it reading "Free Beer!" and "Big, slobby, greasy cops welcome!".]
[PM] Heh heh... that oughtta slow Schmoe_Don down to a crawl...
TmPM
Sarcophagus!
#411
Hum dee dum dum...whahuh?! What's this?
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!! Looks yummy!! And not at all suspicious!
/a opens up the box of goodies...
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The humanity, the humanity!! Damn you, Pharaoh!!! These are veggie burgers and light beer!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!! *sniff*
/a bursts into tears!
Damn you all to hell!!!
#412
<hands Schmoe Don an....
Date: 09/04/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
EXPLODING TASTYKAKE! One bite and Schmoe Don is blown to BITS!!!!>
#413
{Is trying to catch up......
Date: 09/04/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
....to the other racers}
Where did all this pink smoke come from?
#414
Oh wow...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I just spent the last 12 hours in Spidey's back seat being molested by Toblerone.
Toblerone: The best 12 hours of your life, eh? HA HA HA!
<Lita shudders.>
Lita: I'll have nightmares for weeks. Thing is, despite my total inability to drive for so long, I'm not out of the race. And do you want to know *why* I'm not out of the race? Because Evil Mike was right there, driving the whole time!
EM: I sure was.
Lita: You know, instead of helping to get Toblerone off me! He couldn't stop for five minutes to help me throw Toblerone out! No! He just kept right on going! I almost think he was just trying to be mean on purpose.
EM: Me? Naaaaah.
Lita: Anyway, Toblerone seems to be ready to find some other lovin'.
<Spidey pulls over, and Toblerone swaggers out, looking for chicks.>
Lita: I'm sure glad that's over with. Now it's just me and Evil Mike, once again! Back to the race!
#415
OW! I was so hungry too!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I'm starving! Famished even!
I haven't eaten since my post-dinner pre-midnight snack snack.
Rimmi, you're just plain evil!!
/a throws a Xena doll at Rimmi!
Ayeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyee!!!!!1!!!!!!
#416
Hmm... Think I'll Roll Down The Window
Date: 09/04/2001
From: h_wood
After all, it's gettin' kind of warm in here with all the black apholstery and everything. Don't want to turn on the AC since it wastes gas, so...
<rolls down the window>
<Sniff, sniff>
Wow... That smells good... Reminds me of <sniff> college... Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah!
<singing>
Get down on it,
Get down on it, baby baby
How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance?
By standing on the wall?
Get your back up off the wall! Tell me...
How ya gonna do it if you really won't take a chance?
By standing on the wall?
Get your back up off the Wall!
I heard all my people say...
Hold on, what's that up the road? Free Burgers? Free Beer??? Time to make a pit stop!
<Checks out road sign, which reads Girlstown Exit 4 miles>
On second thought, road trip!!!
h_wood
"You're the hell here."
Warrior of the Lost World
#417
Jet Jaguar? JET JAGUAR???
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Why the *@#! did Jet Jaguar not want me to finish the race? Why'd he saddle me with Ortega? This is all TDO's doing, no doubt. No matter.
(hauls Commodore 64 back out to car)
Everybody, say hello to the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and time transport!!!
(continued to be, yes?)
#418
<Suddenly...>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Lita has a brilliant idea! (Lita: My first one in weeks!) Lita is a little ways ahead of the other racers (you didn't notice when she snuck ahead, but she did) so she has Spidey spin a great big web across the track. Despite the fact that all the threads in the web are at least an inch thick, it's almost imperceptible to the human eye. (People are *always* not noticing giant spider webs. Didn't you ever see any giant spider related movies?) It's also a lot stronger than you would think (spider silk is some of the strongest stuff in the world, for its thickness), and fireproof. Now when the racers try to race through that part of the course, they'll all get stuck in Lita's spider's ooey gooey sticky web, and Spidey can eat them! (Well, Spidey *can* eat them. Frankly, he probably won't. He gets queasy.) Lita laughs at her own genius, and leaves her deadly trap behind her.>
#419
A spiderweb in the middle of the road?!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Oh no! Whatever shall I do?
/a drives off to the side of the road and around the spiderweb.
Well, that doesn't such a chore, was it?
Whoohoo! Curses, you're foiled again, Lita!!
#420
What's this? Another trap???
Date: 09/04/2001
From: h_wood
Fortunately the exit ramp from Girlstown merges back into the main road after the web, so I'm doing alright. Aaaaand...
While I was there, I picked up some reinforcements. Allow me to introduce you all to Silver & Mary Lee Morgan, the head henchmen of Girlstown, and their elite cadre of beefy security nuns. They'll be riding along side me in a bread truck they swiped off some foolish Bakery driver/Private investigator. Just in case any of you guys get any funny ideas, remember, I've got nuns & jd's watching my backside now. Ha Ha!!!
So long screwy, see you in St. Louie!! :)
h_wood
"Gee, if they were baptists, they could've got the Platters."
Warrior of Girlstown
#421
Lita: <all confoozled>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Why isn't it working? Why didn't Schmoe Don drive into the web? h_wood was already going somewhere else, but Schmoe should have been Spidey chow!!!1! I know. He's drunk. That's it. He was so drunk, he weaved off the road, and so he missed the web. He couldn't have *seen* it, I mean, for a giant spider web, it's pretty tiny.
Evil Mike: Or maybe you just forgot to throw the switch.
Lita: The switch?
EM: Yes. The one marked "on."
Lita: Oh! Right! Spidey is a large mechanical spider, of course he spins large mechanical spider webs!
<Lita throws the switch marked "on." Now the web is magnetized! I mean it's really magnetized! The metal in all the racers' vehicles is attracted to it! Lita can barely contain her thrilledness at having finally got one of these trap things right! Yippee!>
Evil Mike: Did you just say "Yippee"?
Lita: No! Of course not! That was the narrative!
*KA-CHUNK!!!*
<The first unwitting racer is already caught in the web! Who is it?>
(boy, there sure are a lot of exclaimation points in this thing.)
#422
*clunk* CON SARNNIT!!!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
A giant spiderweb. Oh happy days. Well, TDO, at least you can't get blamed for this one. HEY LITA, LOOKEE HERE!!! I just set the time transport countdown! Magnets can't stop the space time continium. This baby hits zero, and your trap goes bye=bye. Again everybody, you can thank me later.
10
9
8
7
6
Oh by the way, Lita. How was Toblerone?
5
4
3
2
1
0
(Mickey and a giant spiderweb are off, but...to where? To be continued)
#423
I'm an idiot (semi-ot)
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Lita can just build another one. You don't have to thank me later.
(to be beaten over head for being so stupid)
#424
Vikings may steer by the stars..
Date: 09/05/2001
From: BloodFairy
...but not very well!The longboat came crashing back onto the race track just in time to be inveloped by the weird pink gas.Yeesh!These guys have few inhibitions to start with!Then we spotted that Toblerone guy shuffleing down the side of the road.Although, afraid to look, BloodFairy is sure that he got more sweaty Viking lovin' than he liked before the gas drifted away!
(Bong!Bong!Bong!Bong!)
BloodFairy looks up as the ship starts picking up speed, until it's racing at break-neck speed twards a huge magnetized spider web?!
(Aieeeeeeee!Vikings scream like little girls!)
"What the Heck?!"BloodFairy watches as web disappeares right before super-sticky impact.
"A huge mead-filled hemet salute to you, ArmoredMickey!"
#425
<a secret lab, far away from the race>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<Steffi's body is stored inside a cryogenic freezing chamber, floating. Her wounds have been sewn together TDO looks at her, depressed, and saddened>
TDO: My love... why must you suffer. In a chasm of night, darkness, pain, suffering for my sins.
<Torgo and Krankor enter the storing room>
KRANKOR: The machine is ready
TORGO: Outkast, arre youu sure t-this will work?
TDO: I've looked over the plans myself. Taking one life and restoring another.
KRANKOR: It is still experimental, there is no Garantee of its success.
TDO: Anything is good enough for my love...
TORGO:... W-what will you do once she is alive?
TDO: Take her away from this. It was selfish to bring her into this bloodshed.
KRANKOR: and what of you, outkast
TDO: <staring blankly into space>... I dont want her to remember me. I want her memory erased back to the day of the kiddnapping.
TORGO: but, you t-two will n-not be together.
TDO: But she will be safe.
--to be continued--
PS: Mood swings are fun!
#426
Hmmm... that Spidey has eight legs...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Eight legs = four pairs of feet...
Shazam!
/a has an idea!
/a opens up a shoe store by the side of the road!
Haha! Spidey won't be able to resist the savings and free balloons during my Grand Opening Sale!
(What Spidey and Lita don't know is that I've stocked the entire store with shoes one size too small for Spidey! They'll spend hours and hours looking for the right size!! And all to no avail! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!)
Oh boy, I hope Lita didn't read that last paragraph...mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
#427
[Meanwhile, on the side of the road...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
...Sam and Buffalo are doing maintainence on the Rig. Buffalo is using a rotary waxer to remove the scorch-marks that Mistyboy's DAS truck left on the back end. PM is fiddling with a BIG box about a hundred feet behind the truck.]
[Buffalo, holding up a canister.] Turtle Wax, boss. Keeps the black marks off yer mudflaps.
[Sam closes the truck's hood.] All tuned up, Big Daddy. Ready to go whenever you are.
[PM, returning.] Great. I'm all done with the decoy for BloodFairy. Let's get moving, then.
[Sam] Just one question, Mobius: do you think that the passengers of that plane are okay? You know, the ones that were crushed by that big robot thing?
[PM] Outkast? Aw, he's fine. His plane probably isn't even dented too much.
[Buffalo] But what about what he put in his last reply about that little filly of his bein' all banged up?
[PM] Nah, she'll live. Outkast likes melodrama, that's all. See, what you have to realize is that even though Jet Jaguar is big, it's really not all that dense.
[Sam and Buffalo] Hunh?
[PM] Yeah, Jet Jaguar is made out of styrofoam, or something like that. You know, like the Power Rangers.
[Sam] Oh! So as his size increases, his mass doesn't proportionately increase. His temperostatic density remains constant. Far out!
[Buffalo] So that little lady is gonna be all rahght?
[PM, getting into the Rig.] You bet, Buffalo.
[Buffalo and Sam get in, as well.]
[Buffalo] Man, I feel lahk a big dumb jerk for worrying so much about her!
[PM] Buffalo, you are a big dumb jerk.
["End of episode" TV laughter is shared by all three of them. As the Rig pulls away, PM pushes a button on his console, and the BIG box he left behind begins to unfold. It turns into a sports arena with the marquee reading "TONIGHT: VIKINGS VS. PACKERS - free parking for longboats".]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#428
Steffi's roof, 2 nights ago
Date: 09/05/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnnnnnn!
(TDO starts to wind back to throw a giant javelin, but is crushed by a giant spiderweb which comes out of nowhere)
Mickey: Drop the girl and get in, Ortega.
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn-errrrnnnn! (shakes head)
Mickey: Oh, teggy! Look what I got. A big-ass box of Cuban cigars. Drop the girl.
(Ortega drops Steffi)
Steffi: Phew.
Mickey (Heads over to TDO's plane and makes some adjustments): I'm going to do something I should've done a long time ago.
(to be continued)
#429
<on steffi's roof.>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<ortega and mickey come closer as outkast is still trapped>
Mickey: Im gonna do something i shoud've done a long time ago...
<then, out of no where, a blast of a laser shoots off
ortegas hand>
Ortega: EEEERRRRNNN!!!!
<then, a dart comes and shoots mickey in the neck>
MICKEY: what the... ooooohhhhhyeahhhhhhh....
<torgo and Krankor jump onto the roof and free outkast.>
TDO: Where in hell have you two been?!
TORGO: Krankor wanted to stop at wendy's.
KRANKOR: Yes! i had a killer kraving for vanilla shakes. AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
TDO: is steffi al right?
TORGO: <looking at steffi> Torgo from what i can tell.
TDO: Good.
KRANKOR: So what about her?
TDO: I say we leave her here.
TORGO: But you were the one who captured her!
TDO: yeah, but i think shes safer here. Torgo, your a caretaker, can you take care of her?
TORGO: Sure!
TDO: Good! oh and if you touch her, you die!
TORGO: understood!
TDO: Krankor, get rid of these two! <mickey and ortega>
Krankor: how?
TDO: use method 23.
KRANKOR: Aahh! 23! efficient, leathel, painful! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
--to be continued--
#430
SHOES!!!!!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: Evil Mike! Pull over!
EM: You're driving, Lita.
Lita: Right!
<Lita pulls over by PM's shoe stand.>
Lita: Hey, look Evil Mike! We can get Spidey some neat new running shoes here!
EM: Do spiders usually need to wear shoes?
Lita: They would wear shoes, if they could ever find shoes in their size. Spidey, what size are you?
<Spidey just kind of stands there. An employee ties a festive balloon to his radio antenna.>
EM: I turned off his autonomy while you weren't looking.
Lita: Don't do that! Hmm… Looks like every single pair here is too small for Spidey.
EM: You can tell that fast, huh?
Lita: Well, they're all very well organized by size. You can tell at a glance, which sizes are here.
EM: Oh. Well we can go then, right?
Lita: No! There aren't any shoes here in Spidey's size, but there are loads here that would fit me! Look, isn't this sandal cute? And those pumps look nice, but I bet they're really uncomfortable. And look at that little strappy shoe! Should I get it in black or silver? Oh the prices are so low! I'll get both! Whoever owns this stand must be losing a fortune!
EM: I suppose he didn't actually expect anybody to take him up on the offer.
Lita: Why wouldn't he?
EM: Never mind. Hey, did you notice that Spidey's web back there disappeared?
Lita: Yeah! That kind of sucks, huh?
EM: It also means the other racers won't have anything in their way to slow them down. So maybe we should go?
Lita: Oh, shush, Mr. Speedypants! We have time for some shoe shopping!
<EM sighs and sits down in a nearby chair. He hates being called Mr. Speedypants. Lita already has a huge pile of shoes picked out, and she's not showing any sign of slowing down. This could take a while.>
#431
*cough* Get off me, chicken man!!!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Seriously, TDO. You don't *cough* doubt me that much as to think I wouldn't have come prepared for this situation? *cough*
(The back door of the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and time transport opens, and it's-gasp!-the Prince of Space)
Crankor: Wha?
Mickey: *cough* You two kids have fun. (pulls dart from neck) You know, that realy hurt. (throws it to ground) I bet you're asking yourself, where's Torgo? I believe that's him over there, sharing a tender moment with the lovely, yet unconcious, Steffi.
TDO: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (runs off)
Torgo (Approaches Mickey): What was that all about? I had to go to the bathroom.
Mickey: Ahhh, Torgo. TDO needs you out back.
Torgo: Coming, boss...(runs off)
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnnn! (waves handless arm in front of Mickey)
Mickey: Yes I see. But there's nothing I can do now. (finishes making adjustments to TDO's plane) Now, off to Wisconsin.
(Mickey and Ortega drive off in the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and time transport)
(to be continued)
#432
<Misty and Wengler are reading a map>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Misty_DAS_truck
Wengler: The finish line should be right about...there. Or maybe there. But somewhere there. (clunk; the truck is shaken)
Misty: What the hell was that?
Wengler: A giant spider web? I thought it disappeared when TDO went back in time with it.
TDO (voice is heard): Apparently, I didn't go back far enough in time, and Lita just made the web!
Misty: Well, what now?
Wengler: This now. (pushes button; back of the truck opens and several guys in silver suits get out)
Misty: Wengler, the web is fireproof!
Wengler: Who's using fire? (silver suited guys begin shooting with guns and bazookas at the web, and eventually, it is weakened and collapses.) There. (they race on)
Misty: Say, Wengler, ever notice how TDO has been turning this race into a soap opera?
Wengler: Yeah. (looks in rear-view mirror to find the DAS logo peeling off, and the Dan's Diaper Service decal showing.) That still on there?
#433
as if it were yesterday
Date: 09/05/2001
From: madbot32
I caught it on cable at a Holiday Inn near Halifax, N.C., getting ready to go to my high school reunion. It was a "Joel" episode, can't remember the name but it starred Tor Johnson (sp?). Nearly missed getting insulted by the girls who wouldn't date me when I was a sophmore.
#434
<steffi's backyard>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<TORGO comes in with Steffi. TDO and TORGO run into each other>
TDO: TORGO!
TORGO: you asked for me boss?
TDO: ...did they take the plane?
TORGO: Yes, and Krankor is being chased by the prince, like planned.
TDO: Good. <TDO hits a button on his watch. His time plane uncloaks next to them> they think the had the real plane. In reality, they took the decoy.
TORGO: so, where are they?
TDO: I set the plane to take them back into the ice age, where it will then break down. The first time machine won't be built until 1910, over Millions of years!
<steffi wakes up>
STEFFI: NO PLEASE DO... where did ortega go?
TDO: He's gone. He wont hurt you anymore.
STEFFI: thank god! <she hugs him>
--to be continued--
#435
/a files for bankruptcy!!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Awww no! My store!! That Lita cleaned me out!! I was trying to save up for a vacation too!! I wanted to see the Schlitz Brewery!! WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
/a puts on a barrel held up by suspenders.
Damn you, Lita!! Damn you and keen eye for footwear!!
#436
/a comes to a stop beside Schmoe_Don
Date: 09/05/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM tosses a powder blue polyester suit with the label "Mitchellwear" to Schmoe_Don.]
[PM] Hide your shame, ya silly bastid!
[With a screech of tires on the pavement, PM's Big Rig is off again!]
TmPM
Sarcophagus!
#437
Back on the road!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Wow, Evil Mike! Was that a great shoe sale, or what?
Evil Mike: Hrmph.
<Evil Mike seems kind of annoyed. The back seat is currently filled with piles and piles of new shoes.>
Lita: Oh, don't be so grumpy!
EM: I guess at least we're still making good time.
Lita: Don't say that!
EM: Say what?
Lita: Don't say we're making good time! You're tempting fate! If you say it out loud, something will happen to prove you wrong!
EM: Oh, come on! Don't be so supersti--
*CRASH*
EM: The hell? What did we just hit?
Lita: It's our spider web. It just reappeared right here, in our way.
EM: Wait a minute, I thought the web was on Steffi's house, or got blown up or something. I lost track of it somewhere, but still...
Lita: I guess when Mickey time-machined it, he screwed up.
EM: Way to go, Genius.
Lita: Now the time-space continuum has become... temporally unstable... because... of um... The anomaly in the thingamawhatsits on the fabric of... You know, the thing with the... Oh cripes.
<Lita, frustrated, slumps over the steering wheel.>
EM: You don't speak fluent Sci-Fi Gibberish do you?
Lita: No. I don't. I guess what I'm saying, is the web is in a time warp or something. A potentially infinite amount of webs have been created. The web can reappear anywhere through time and space, even if you destroy it.
EM: That's inconvenient. Should we fire a photon beam at it or something?
Lita: We don't *have* a photon beam. But even if we did, how would that help?
EM: The explosion might look cool.
Lita: C'mon, let's just climb over it. (I mean, whoever heard of a spider getting caught in its own web?)
<Spidey climbs over his web, and moves on. As Lita and Evil Mike drive away, the big web disappears again, of its own accord, preparing to spontaneously reappear in another time, and another place.>
EM: Hey, Lita. I think when Mickey zapped our web, he asked you a question about Toblerone. *smirk*
Lita: I don't want to talk about it. I need therapy now.
#438
HUH?
Date: 09/05/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
(computer inside TDO's time transport mysteriously turns on and it's an extreme close-up of Mickey's big ugly face)
Mickey: Let me get this straight. You thought we took your plane? Nope, me and Teggy are still in the Big Misunde...ah, to hell with it, the car. I just made some adjustments. Unfortunatly, it turns out it was a decoy. No matter. I'll get you later, old chap.
PS: Thanks for going forward in time and making it so you took the spiderweb. I've seen those bills Lita hands out. Those things can be murder. (signal breaks out)
TDO: Damn continuity errors.
(to be continued)
#439
That's vintage wear, if you please...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Thanks, PM! This suit's gonna be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars! Whoohoo! Mortimer, we're back!
Mortimer? Where are you? Oh well, more money for me!!
Whoohoo!
#440
Ack! I hate temporal mechanics...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
wurwolf: You're such a geek, hon.
Schmoe: HMMPH!! You go to hell! You go there right now and take a number and wait in line and wait to be served!!
HMMPH!!
/a hopes he can get to Biff before he uses that sports guide!!
Oh hell, that's the wrong plot.
Back to racing! VROOOOOOOOOOM!!
#441
Free Associative Thought Process
Date: 09/05/2001
From: h_wood
Hmm... Drivin' along singin' a song... Goin' down highway 40 in my big ol' Omega Dumptruck... Man I miss Space Ghost. What a great show. Say, what's that in the rearview? The web just disappeared and reappeared... Weird. Hey, that rhymed! Was that Schmoe over there with a leisure suit? Looked like him. I think PM & Lita are out ahead there a bit- time to floor it & kick the Megaweapon into third! 27 mph, I'm cookin' now! Oh hey, a shoe store.
<Zoom!>
h_wood, more random than usual...
Warrior of Girlstown
"Grandpa, the neighbors are watching!"
Yep.
#442
1989 Wisconsin
Date: 09/05/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Eddie: So you se e, Mike, you're band sucks.
Robot from the future: yeah
Paul: Dude.
Mysterious shadow: No smoking in the cheese bin area, Edward.
Eddie: Blow it out your ass.
(Mysterious shadow blows mysterious bullet through Edward's head)
Paul: Dude.
(Mickey emerges from the shadows)
Mickey: I hate to do this to you, Crow, but (twists Crow like a pretzel and puts him in a cheese bin)
Paul: Dude.
Mickey: Yes, dude. So Mike, keep working at the cheese factory, but in the 90's, a job will open up at a weird ass place called Deep 13. Take it.
Mike: Alright. He said ass.
Paul: Dude.
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn!
Paul: Dude.
Mike: Ass
Officer Ortega: Errrrrnnnn!
Paul: Dude.
Mickey: (Grabs Ortega) Alright, Sparky. Let's go)
(The two head outside and destroy the time transport on Edward's plane. They get back in the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and time transport.)
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn.
Mickey: That's right, Teggy. Now if I can only destroy TDO's time transport, maybe we can get out of this soap opera.
(to be continued)
#443
<Mickey hunting for TDO>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: TDOs_TIME_PLANE
<Mickey looks endlessly for the outkast.>
ORTEGA: Errrnnn
MICKEY: yeah, your right. we do need to stop and rest.
<mickey pulls over>
Mickey: So Teggy, want some sandwichs?
ORTEGA: ERRRRRRRNNN
MICKEY: oh good. Cause i got some.
<mickey goes into the back.>
ORTEGA: EERRRRRNNN! ERRRRRNNN!!
MICKEY: what is it?
<Purple and yellow smoke surrounds the Misunderstood Sex Machine AKA the armored truck from diabolik.>
MICKEY: What the... <someone knocks him and ortega out>
<seconds later, both teggy and mickey are outside. Purple smoke is everywhere.>
MIcKEY: what happened!? Where's the truck!?
ORTEGA: <pointing upward> EERRRRRRRNNNN!!
<both look up. The truck is being lifted into the air. TDO stands on top of it>
Ortega & mickey: TDO!!!!!
TDO: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
<TDO hops into the plane and flys off with teh Misunderstood sex machine>
MICKEY: GREAT!! We got no truck, no plane, and not anywhere near winning the race!! WERE STRANDED!
--to be continued--
#444
<Misty makes a turn...>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Misty_DAS_truck
<...and crashes right into the spider web again.>
Misty: This is crazy! Thanks very much, Mickey, for screwing up the space-time continuum! Who knows what will happen next?
Wengler: Hey, what's TT doing on the side of the road over there?
TT: Good old-fashioned B-movies, ruined with inane talk and chatter. I guess I'm a purist, and this show makes me cringe. The movies, in all of thier glorious campiness, would be so much better on their own without MST3000.
Misty: Oh, no, now we're back to the first post ever! When I get my hands on Mickey...
Wengler: Hey, GoldBootGirl is telling him to suck her nipples!
Misty: Shut up, Wengler. One more word out of your fat gob, and I'll-- (notices Wengler is running toward TT and GoldBootGirl; shudders) Oh, I do not want to think of what is about to happen. Must be some leftover Tubular Boobular Joy. (web disappears and Misty drives away as a loud smack! is heard, then GoldBootGirl starts shouting at Wengler)
#445
1989 Vince Lombardi Memorial Airport
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Mickey: One ticket to Vermont, please.
Ticket Lady: Um, there are 2 of you.
Mickey: What? Ortega's carry-on luggage.
(to be continued)
#446
Stupid Space/Time Continuum!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[Sam is spotting PM at the wheel. He is getting kind of jumpy, because he's been seeing all sorts of crazy crap, what with disappearing/reappearing Spidey webs, orange whirly things, and apparently passing the same red barn 50 times already.]
[Sam] Man, I sure could use a smoke. Too bad I left my bag in the back. Maybe I should pull over for a min--
[PM walks into the room.]
[Sam] Hey, Big Daddy! I thought you were gonna take a na--
[PM] What?!?
[Sam] I said I thoug--
[PM] You saw *what*, Sam?
[Sam] I didn't say I saw--
[PM] SHUT UP! As I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, we're gonna have to stop for fuel before long.
[Sam is bewildered as he sees PM look toward his right, as if following someone with his eyes. PM nods a few times, and then looks angry.]
[PM] You're on some kind of a bad trip, Sam!
[Sam puts the Rig on autopilot and walks up to PM.]
[Sam] I'm not trippin', you're the one who's... [He waves a hand in front of PM's face; PM apparently doesn't see it.] ...trippin'?
[PM] Well maybe it *is* deja vu! It sure sounds like it!
[Sam] What're you...
[PM shakes his head and storms out of the cab through the port in the cieling.] I'll be checking out the catapult. Let me know when we stop for gas.
[Sam goes back to the driver's seat and sits, dazed and shaken. He's so shaken he doesn't see the Angels' Revenge van pass on the right, honking their horn and flashing their goodies.]
[PM enters the cab from the door in the back.]
[Sam's jaw drops.] BOSS! I just saw you-- but you went--
[PM] What?!?
[Sam] No really! I saw you go up to the--
[PM] You saw *what*, Sam?
[Sam] LISTEN TO ME FOR A MINUTE!!!
[PM] SHUT UP! As I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, we're gonna have to stop for fuel before long.
[Sam runs up to where PM is and stands at PM's right. PM follows him with his eyes.] I saw you come in here, and yell at me like you just did, and then you got mad and went up to the catapult turret.
[PM, angrily.] You're on some kind of a bad trip, Sam.
[Sam] And then you said that! And then you said something about all this being deja vu!
[PM] Well maybe it *is* deja vu! It sure sounds like it!
[Sam] AHA! Now you're gonna climb up that ladder right there!
[PM shakes his head and climbs up the ladder to the catapult turret.] I'll be checking out the catapult. Let me know when we stop for gas.
[Sam screams and runs to the back of the truck, nearly knocking Buffalo over as he enters.]
[Buffalo] Lazy Rider! Where are you goin' in such an all-fired hurry? Must be seein' those future echoes that Mobius just told me about. Oops! Better take the wheel.
[Buffalo sits down behind the controls, switching them to manual. He looks off to the right side of the truck, just in time to see the Angels' Revenge gals flashing their good stuff at him.]
[Buffalo] WHOOOAAOOOO- WHEEEEE!!! [He honks the air horn at them.]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
With a nod to "Red Dwarf"
Sarcophagus!
#447
1989 Nick's House, Vermont
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Mickey: I know, Ortega, can you believe that stewardess? (knocks on Nick's door)
(Nick answers the door, wearing only his...ugh...underwear.)
Nick: I don't want to find Jesus.
Mickey: Well find your damn pants. Nick, you've got to help me get back. Back....to the future! And hurry. Everyones mad at me, and I'm not even the one who brought up the whole Edward/time transport into the race!
Nick: How'd you know I've been working on a transport? AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
(to be continued)
#448
Evil Mike: Hey, Lita?
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: Yeah, Mike.
EM: I wasn't sure you were aware of this, but Schmoe Don is gaining on us.
Lita: What? No!
EM: Yeah. I guess that what with your stupid spider webs, and then your shoe shopping...
Lita: Quit complaining about the shoes! <Lita gazes admiringly at the pair of shiny new boots on her feet. Mike glares at the huge pile of shoes in the back seat.>
EM: Anyway, all that stuff slowed us down a bit. And Schmoe Don is slowly gaining on us.
Lita: Ok. I think I know what to do. Take the wheel.
<Lita and EM climb over each other to change places. EM gets to the wheel just in time to swerve around a Spidey web that materializes right in their path. It disappears again just in time for Schmoe to not plow into it. Lita pulls a little gizmo out from under the seat.>
Lita: Remember this?
EM: Uh. No.
Lita: You should, you moron! You stole it from PM a couple of days ago! In another reply to this very post!
EM: That thing isn't going to turn me into a wuss again, is it?
Lita: No. That was a different thing. This is the Carrot Top Appreciation Device! Slow down so that Schmoe Don can catch up.
EM: Sure.
<Spidey slows down a little. Schmoe Don slows down a little too.>
EM: He sure isn't good at this whole race concept, is he?
Lita: This is just how Schmoe Don drives. If he does win this race, it'll be at three miles an hour.
<It takes some time, but eventually Schmoe Don creeps up about even with Spidey>
Schmoe: Eat my dust, you losers!!!!1!1!!
EM: Very creative taunt there.
Lita: He must be hungry. Anyway...
<Lita points the device at Schmoe Don, and presses the button. It shoots a ray at Schmoe, who smiles faintly, but doesn't seem otherwise affected.>
EM: So what did that do?
Lita: It made him a Carrot Top fan! Aren't I brilliant?
EM: Are you sure it worked?
Lita: I'll check. Hey! Schmoe Don! Carrot Top sucks!
Schmoe: He does not! He's the greatest! Did you see the AT&T commercial where he's on the horse with the wig? Or the one where he has panties on his head? Pure genius!
Lita: See? It worked.
Schmoe: You know, Lita, I never used to like Carrot Top. But since you put that ray on me, I've seen the error of my ways! He's a manly hunk of studliness! Thanks!
<Schmoe passes Spidey, and takes the lead.>
EM: Well. His newfound love for Carrot Top didn't affect his ability to race at all.
Lita: Ok. But at least he's now a fan of a profoundly annoying prop comic. That's something.
EM: Won't help us win in the least.
Lita: No. But you take your victories where you can.
<The Angel's Van passes Spidey. There seems to be a major shortage of clothing onboard, except for grandmapa, who is still wearing a dress, and who's hinder is still sticking out of the window. His legs are flailing wildly.>
Lita: Wow. There sure seems to be a whole lot of nudity in this race.
EM: Yeah! Isn't it great? Hey, Lita, why don't you join in? What?
#449
<Wengler is all alone on the shoulder>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Mistyboy
<TT and GoldBootGirl have mysteriously vanished. Wengler sees another time plane and has an idea. He gets in and begins to type.>
Wengler: I hope this works. <pushes button and transport countdown begins. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1 and he transports to about 20 replies ago.>
<Lita has a brilliant idea! (Lita: My first one in weeks!) Lita is a little ways ahead of the other racers (you didn't notice when she snuck ahead, but she did) so she has Spidey spin a great big web across the track. Suddenly Wengler jumps in, out of nowhere and retracts the web.>
Lita: What the hell'd you do that for?
Wengler: You'd thank me if you knew. <returns to the present via the plane and gets back into the DAS van when Misty comes around again.>
#450
This space/time continuum....
Date: 09/05/2001
From: BAND_OF_GYPSYS
....is getting out of hand! The only good thing about it is that Bobo is once again his old self.
Bobo: I need a tick bath!
B_O_G: We'll deal with that later. HOLY #!*&^#! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!
{B_O_G slams on the brakes. He & Bobo are shocked to see that a giant magnetic spiderweb has appeared right in front of them}
B_O_G: Quick Bobo, get me the laserblast gun!
{Bobo hands B_O_G the laserblast gun. B_O_G aims it out of the window}
POW!!! POW!!!
{The spider web shatters}
#451
Hey! Wait just a ding-dong minute!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Mistyboy just rewrote my plot point! Can he do that?
Evil Mike: Apparently not. BOG just ran into one of our webs. And I see another one appearing just over that hill over there.
Lita: Ok. So it didn't work. Well, that's all right then. I don't care if he does stuff as long as he doesn't actually *do* anything.
Evil Mike: Yeah whatever. So are you gonna take your top off or not? Hey! Don't hit!
Lita: I'm trying to run a race here. Wait until we win. And see if you can get rid of that web that just appeared in our back seat. It's scuffing up my shoes. Oh, wait. There it goes.
#452
Check this out!! I just made this today!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Okay okay, hold on, you'll like this. It's a rotary phone in a birdcage. See, it's a cell phone!! No? Yes? No? Don't worry, there's more.
/a turns around and roots through a big steamer trunk...
/a comes out holding a hash brown and a steel pipe.
See, look I've got my hash pipe. Huh? No? No Weezer fans out there? Okay okay, this is a big trunk, there's plenty more.
/a turns around and puts on a trench coat...
/a flashes the audience.
Look, Monty Python!! No? Anything? Oh hell, I'm out.
Tough room.
#453
Jeez, this really is getting to be like
Date: 09/05/2001
From: h_wood
A Star Trek Episode!
Now then I'm coming up on the frontrunners, PM, Lita, and Schmoe (I think they're ahead, anyway- this thing is making my pretty mind hurt.). First off, I think I'll use the Megaweapon Flamethrower to send a wall of fire up Schmoe_Don's tailpipe...
<KABLAMMO!!!>
Alright one down... Next I'll send my bakery truck drivin' buddies over to Mobius' Big Rig and lay down some interference in the form of stale bagel chips...
<Hisssss, Wobbawobbawobba>
Good ol' Bagel chips- nothing like day old bread shrapnel to shred tires. Last but not least...
<Zoom!>
Here's a little precision driving for ya, as I maneuver Megaweapon and the Ladies' Bakerymobile in between The Spider's legs and scoot out safely on the other side.
Who's Gonna Drive You Home Tonight, Sucka!!!
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"We hated you in the paper chase!"
Yep.
#454
Nick: Now, I still don't know how to...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Mickey presses 3 buttons)
Mickey: Ta-DAAAAA!!!! Now I'll take those disks, if you don't mind, before this gets realy out of hand. Even I'm starting to snap. Who set up the shoe store? I don't know. All I remember is I saw Lita naked and Jet Jaguar tried to kill me for reasons I still don't quite umderstand.
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn.
Nick: Well, when can I use this technology?
Mickey: Never!!! Cause they'll make a crappy mov...(realizes Nick has to use the time transport so things don't get even more screwed up) in a few years. They'll make a realy cool documentary about this.
Nick: Well, where are you going to use the disks? You can't load them without a computer.
Mickey: I've got an idea. Teggy, come with me. Bye Nick. See you in the 90's. Actually (sees underwear again) Let's try to never cross paths again.
(to be continued)
#455
Oh no! Wood's killed Schmoe Don!
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
And Schmoe had just gotten naked too!
<From the wreckage of Schmoe's car comes a weak voice, "c-a-l-l-a-t-t...">
Oh! He's survived after all! Good! I'll just run along then.
<Lita passes Megaweapon again, and makes pretty good time town the road>
#456
Mickey and Ortega have stolen
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Nick's plane and have landed in 1989 small-town Massachusetts, right on the roof of Mickey's childhood home.
Mickey (Looking through his window): Me when I was 9 years old. Look at my spiked, long hair. Oh good, I'm out of the room.
(Mickey and Ortega climb in 89 Mickey's room and take his Commodore 64.)
Officer Ortega: Errrrrrnnnnn?
Mickey: Oh, the time space continium? Don't worry, I get robbed today in about, two seconds, I remember. (Robber breaks in) See? (Mickey shoots him) The cops shot him right after he left. Hey, my old Nintendo. He took that, too (grabs Nintendo). If you're good, Teggy, we'll play Mario 2 later.
Officer Ortega: Errrrrnnnnnn!!!
Mickey: Screw you, Teggy, I'm always the Princess. You're Toad.
(Mickey and Ortega get in plane and take off)
(to be continued)
#457
You're killing me softly...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
With your deathray!! You bastard!! Ouch and a half, man!
Oh man, you totalled my car, man! I just had it simonized.
I'm gonna need to hammer out some dings. HMMPH!
#458
<some where in space/time>
Date: 09/05/2001
From: TDOs_TIME_PLANE
<mickey and ortega are flying thru the space/time continuum>
Ortega: eerrrrnnnn.
MICKEY: for the last time, IM THE PRINCESS!!
<one the radar screen, a small blip>
MICKEY: what the?!!
<tdo's plane swoops over Mickey's. TDO jumps out and lands on Mickey's plane>
TDO: Hi! Ya miss me?
MICKEY: How are you here?
TDO: This is a meeting in time. I already now what your planning. And im here to stop it.
<tdo takes out two huge chainsaws and saws off Mickey's wings>
MICKEY: NOOOOO!!!
TDO: Have fun!!
<TDO's plane comes back. TDO grabs a hold and flys off.>
TDO: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
--to be continued--
#459
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnnn?
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Mickey: Exactly. TDO just doesn't realize what we're up to. Oooohhhh, this is my favorite level, the one where you jump on the whales blowhole water.
Officer Ortega: ERRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
Mickey: I'm not warping. Warpings for pusses. Hey waitaminnut...
(to be continued)
#460
Sorry Schmoe, Nuthin' Personal
Date: 09/05/2001
From: h_wood
All is fair in love & wacky racin', I guess. :)
Now back to Lita & Co, who have managed to sneak past my slow moving, poor handling vehicle again.
<h_wood signals over to the nuns in the bakery truck to bring out the heavy artillery. Each sister pulls out a bazooka loaded with breakfast pasteries.>
Ha Ha! Time to eat my dust- literally! Let's see how you handle a few vollies of Surface to Surface Muffins!!!
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"Whatever."
Yep.
#461
Yes, this isn't fair, but...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
a) this is the Wacky Race and b) this is the space time continuim, so I can do whatever the hell I want.
(Runs into a field filled with green pipes. Super Mario warp zone soundtrack music plays)
Mickey: So, I'm a puss. But I'm a puss who's going to win a Wacky Race.
(Ortega looks up at Mickey with big, sad, puppy dog eyes.)
Mickey: Sorry, Teggy. This is my mess...kind of. I can't take you. That pipe there brings you back to the Incredibly strange whatever that whatever.
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn errrnnn errnnn.
Mickey: Cut it out Teggy. This is sad enough as it is. While we were in 89 Massachusetts, I got you a little going away present. (hands him a t shirt) It's a Full House shirt. I'd hug you, but I'm a guy. And you're repulsive. See you later. (Crouches down into pipe and warps away)
____________Present day Race Route_________________
Mickey: (Ahead of all the other racers but without a vehicle) Now to finally put an end to all this confusing continuity.
(to be continued)
#462
Welcome back to the continuity Mickey...
Date: 09/05/2001
From: h_wood
Of course you know, now that you're back I've got a nun with a loaded bread-zooka with your name on it. :)
Ciao, and I'll catch you on the road.
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"Again, whatever."
#463
Is that...flying bread?
Date: 09/06/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Mickey runs to a haystack to duck behind, but hits it and falls down after a loud clunk sound. The bread-zooka hits the haystack and blows it up revealing...)
Mickey: MY CAR!!! Hmmm...there's a time bomb on it. And it's set to go off...
(boom)
Mickey: (Naked, but unharmed and neither is the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and time transport.) Well, I'm naked. I guess it was my turn. (gets in car) Better check for more booby traps set by TDO.
(Hours pass, and every-and I mean every!!!-booby trap has been removed. Except that one.)
(boom)
Mickey: This is going to take all night. See you all in the morning.
(to be continued)
#464
Aaack! Bombs!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Spidey scurries around, dodging all the bombs wood throws at him. Finally, he crawls into a nearby hole to hide.>
Well, Evil Mike and I should be relatively safe down here until the bombing and/or any other race related dangers subside. It'll probably take a while before Spidey feels safe enough to come back out again. We'll see you then.
#465
<All the while....
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Skreaming_Warlock
Skreaming Warlock rides along the race route on his Lady Elaine Fairchild float with incident- until now! As SW approaches the racers he uses his Lady Elaine Fairchild remote control. Her gigantic head swivels around and her eyes turn a glowing red color. Target is locked! OMG!!! She begins shooting lasers from her eyes!>
#466
My tires!!!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM manages to bring the Big Rig to the side of the road. He and Sam disembark to check out the damage.]
[PM] Dammit! That's the second time this race that my tires got shredded!
[Sam] Yeah! What do these turkeys think, that tires grow on trees?
[PM] Grow on trees, that's a good one, Sam. Naturally, they grow in vats.
[Sam does a double take.] Bu-HUNH?!?!?
[PM] Yeah! Come on and check it out! [He gathers up the blown-out tires and leads Sam to the back of the Rig, where his port-o-lab is set up.] Check it out, my latest automotive innovation: steel-belted clone radials! I always keep a batch on reserve for emergencies.
[Sam, looking at the big, bubbling vat of tires swimming around.] Aggada-aggada-aggada!
[PM] Don't freak out on me, Sam. Can't you see, living tires are the next logical step in automotive evolution! They're self-repairing, self-maintaining, and when you have a blow-out you can slap 'em on the grill for a quick and easy dinner!
[Sam] EEEEEWWWWWW!!!
[PM] Just kidding, Sam. Naturally, even living tires aren't fit for human consumption. So I feed the blow-outs to the growing tire clones. [Takes the shredded tires and throws them into the vat. The tires in the vat stop swimming around aimlessly and swarm to the top, taking bites of shredded tire carcasses.]
[Sam] You invented living, CANNIBAL TIRES, Pharaoh-man?
[PM shrugs.] I never said they were a *perfect* invention!
[PM snaps his fingers, and shocktroopers begin taking mature tires out to fit on the Rig.]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#467
Outside of TDO's lab
Date: 09/06/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
(TDO opens the door, wearing a bathrobe, with morning beverage in hand, and gets the morning paper)
Mickey: GOOOOOOOOOD Morning!
TDO: What the hell?
Mickey: (Jumps down from roof and glues a blonde wig on TDO's head) Hey, Toblerone!!! Check this out!!!
Toblerone: Ah, this is good, eh? Toblerone hasn't seen action in quite some time, ha ha ha.
TDO; NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(Mickey runs into lab and steals the disk with TDO's time transport. Before he leaves, he gives the frozen Steffi a kiss.)
Mickey: Crath, my toungueth ith thtuck. Waith a minueth, why am I complaining.
(Mickey gets unstuck, and runs back to his car and sets TDO's disk on fire, as well as the time transport program disk in his own computer)
Mickey: Now this time space continuim crap must stop!!! On to the finish line. (takes off, realy *&#!@%^ fast!!!)
(to be continued)
#468
Just Drivin'
Date: 09/06/2001
From: h_wood
Yep. Still Drivin'. Don't see anyone around... Hope nothing happens while I'm out here drivin'. Yep. Say... what's that up the road?
<dum, dum, Dum!!!>
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"Any fruit to declare?"
#469
Oh, hot, bready death, is it?
Date: 09/06/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM] Well I've got an answer to that! Sam, send in the clones!
[Buffalo, playing his guitar.] o/` They're al- rea- dy- heeeeeeeeere! o/`
[PM takes out a switchblade clown mallet, extends it, and bonks Buffalo on the head. Buffalo obligingly keels over. Sam turns a crank and pulls a lever. Red lights flood the Rig's supercab, and a siren "AWOOOOOOOOOOGAH!"s. The back of the cab opens up, and a dozen clones of the Chairman from "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" fly out on hoversleds! They start eating every bit of bread launched by h_wood's group!]
[PM] Better hope you don't run out of ammo, h_wood! Looks like those boys are HUNGRY!
[A couple of the clones start banging on the side of the bread truck.]
[Chairman Clone #1] You got any sooooooup to go with this bread?
[Chairman Clone #2] Where's my beef brisket? I ordered it thirty seconds ago!
[Chairman Clone #3] We need more butter and jam! Service! SERVICE!!!
[PM] MUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
I'll have what I'm having!
#470
Sorry Lita
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Mistyboy
But I thought we had replied ourselves into a corner. No one seemed to know the way out of this. (except maybe Mickey)
Sorry.
Misty
Aadjka!
#471
Damn!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: h_wood
damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
There goes my brilliant bread scheme... Looks like I'll have to come up with some other crazy plan involving baked goods.
But what is that up the road there? It seems to be getting bigger, but I still can't tell what it is...
How Mysterious.
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"Bring your garbage!!!"
#472
{Pulls ahead of the other racers}
Date: 09/06/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G stops his van}
This ought to stop 'em!
{B_O_G opens the van's back door & lets out three dozen ROVER units, the killer weather balloons from "The Prisoner", & takes off. As he is driving he hears the sound of a cell phone ringing}
The hell? I don't have a cell phone! Where is that sound comming from? HOLY S**T!!!!
{B_O_G slams on the brakes as the road ahead of his is blocked by a giant black & blue add for majesticthegame.com}
Where the hell did that come from?
#473
The Bboard is moving super slow
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Cavewoman
so now's my time to zip ahead of the pack. Yes, just like in that old Star Trek episode, everyone is moving in slow motion and I'm moving so fast I can't be seen and sound like a fly in your ear!
Ha ha!! First I mess with the space-time continu..thingy and now I control the Bboard!!
I'll be at the finish line before all of ya!!
Cavey and Pumy
#474
Iiittt sssuuurrreee iiisss!!!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Spidey, seeing that h_wood has stopped throwing bombs around, is now out of the hole, and Lita is back in the race. But the bboard is so slow that Spidey, not unlike the other racers, must drag himself along the track with great effort. It looks like he's in a heavy wind, or maybe there's just too much gravity. In any case, everybody's moving very slowly, except for Cavewoman who apparently has somehow managed to get on the bboard administrators good sides. (We won't ask any questions)>
Lita: Wwweee'''lll nnneeevvveeerrr gggeeettt aaannnyyywwwhhheeerrreee llliiikkkeee ttthhhiiisss...
<Cavewoman zips by>
Lita: DDDAAAMMMIIITTT!!! Ssstttuuupppiiiddd DDDooohhh!!!
#475
Sorry, the Duh slowing down is my fault.
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I was having my breakfast at the IHOP off the interstate (blueberry pancakes with sausages) and I was reaching over for some butter and I spilled my syrup all over the bboard.
Mea culpa!! My bad!
It was a good breakfast, yummy!!
Anyways. Back to the race!
/a throws butter packets at the other racers!!
Eating freshly churned death, you dinks!!!
#476
Quick! Someone kill me again!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I totally missed out on my chance to do my Tim Roth and Harvey Keitel impersonations from Reservoir!
I'm fucking dying here!! I'm dying!!
No, you're not. Say it. I'm not gonna die!! You say it!
Harvey Keitel doing that sing song type delivery is the bestest ever!! I laugh and laugh all the time at that!
#477
Oh that man with the blue guitar is fine
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
Wave goodbye to daddy, Puma Monkey. Thanks for fixing the bboard!
As per requested Cavey and Pumy run over Schmoe_Don. There Mr. Pink die die!!
#478
You go to hell, Cavey! I'm not Mr Pink!!
Date: 09/06/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I'm Mr Orange. And.....
I'm dying here! I'm fucking dying!
That Harvey Keitel is comedy gold!! I'm not gonna die, say it!
Whoohoo!!
/a throws jacks and little rubber balls on the road.
Haha! No one can resist a game of jacks!! Now, everyone else will be left behind as they try to get to threesies!! I"m evil!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
#479
Well dag snab it!! How'd you know??
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
Jacks IS my favorite game! I cannot resist....onesies, twosies, threesies.."Puma honey, can you steer for awhile?" foursies...sixsies..oh damn!...um, fivesies.......
#480
<A very PO'ed TDO's lab>
Date: 09/07/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<Torgo and Krankor pull off bits and pieces of the blonde wig out of TDO's hair.>
TDO: OOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
KRANKOR: Sit still! its gonna hurt if you dont sit still.
TDO: I Swear, i'll dig that Mickey's heart out with a spoon!
TORGO: I wwas wwwondering... w-why a s-spoon sir? Why nnot an axe?
TDO: IT'S DULL YOU TWIT! IT'LL HURT MORE!
<krankor washes the rest of the wig out of TDO's hair>
KRANKOR: Kind off a bummer, huh?
TDO: What do you mean? ALL THAT HAPPENED IS MY HAIR WAS FRICKIN MOLESTED!
KRANKOR: No. I mean the disks getting torched.
TDO:<flicking bits of blonde out of his naturally blue hair>
Not as much as you would think...
TORGO: what ddo you mmmmean bosss?
<Knock at the door Tdo gets up to answer it. JK Robertson is at the door>
TDO: Hey! Corperate slime! What's goin' on!?
JK:<in his little walrus voice>: Ill tell you what's going on. Inovation and change... and belief in our future. Innovation is our most important natural reasource and it is most important to GenCorp. I would like to...
TDO: WHATEVER!!! Do you have the copied disks?
JK: Right here in my jacket. <pats his chest pocket as he enters the lab.>
TDO: good. NOW GIVE IT!!
JK: wait a minute. Wheres my money?
<krankor points a blaster at him>
TDO: What money? I just said come here with the disks. I didnt say anything about money!
<Jk wets himself, then gives TDO the disk>
JK: okay...no money...its good.
<TDO puts it into the planes main computer. the electonics start up and function>
JK: Okay, good. your happy. Can i run now?
<krankor vaporizes him>
TDO: YES!! NOW I HAVE ALL THAT I NEED!! Krankor, <throws disks to krankor>
Lock those up.
Krankor: Right.
TDO: And torgo... Put a bunch of your hell beasts on guard.
TORGO: Right.
TDO: And torgo...
TORGO: yup...
TDO: TAKE A BATH!!
--to be continued--
#481
Sorry, TDO
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
I'm not playing that game anymore. Oh, and have you met my new pet? Her names Steffi. And did I mention she's an........
ANTEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, you and Lita would make the cutest couple. You have so much in common. Well, okay, one thing.
(to be continued)
#482
Movin right along.
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Thanks for cleaning up all that syrup, Schmoe. That was pretty disgusting.
Hey, was it just me or did Mickey just try to set me up with TDO? Sorry, I'm attatched! <Lita smiles at Evil Mike.> Nothing like an imaginary boyfriend when you're running an imaginary race!
EM: Hey! I'm not imaginary!
Lita: Yeah, cutie. Just keep telling yourself that.
<Right then, Spidey yelps in pain! He's just steped on the jacks that Schmoe threw all over the road! And anybody who has ever stepped on a jack in bare feet knows that those little things are bastards. He starts hopping all around trying to get off the jacks, but he just steps on more and more, and it really really hurts! Finally, he slips on one of the little red rubber balls. Unstable to begin with, this is all it takes for him to fall over... right on top of Cavewoman who has been too busy trying to get past fivesies to notice all the commotion right next to her. This is very unfortunate for her.>
Lita: Ouchies! Sorry Cavers, I hope your spine is ok. Schmoe, don't leave your toys outside, that's a good way for them to get lost or broken!
#483
Up ahead, It's... It's...
Date: 09/07/2001
From: h_wood
Monty Python's Flying Circus! Noooooooooooo...
It's the Headquarters of Majesticthegame.com, the people responsible for the pop-up ad that's slowing down the board!!! Ladies, I think you know what to do...
<Megaweapon & the Bread Truck pull over to the side of the road. The nuns file out of the truck each one carrying a crossbow and a raspberry danish. The nuns load the rolls into the bows and let 'em rip. As the pastries pass Megaweapon, h_wood fires a flame stream across them, sending a barrage of flaming breakfast into the company's highrise.>
<KABOOM!!!!!>
Hmm... must've hit a gas mane. Oh well.
<Zoom,Zoom,Zoom>
<h_wood turns around and sees Cavewoman, Lita, and GYPSYS zipping past him.>
Damn! Oh well, I guess some things are more important than racing, especially since thanks to our shredding of space time, any one of us could blink ahead at any moment. Now back to the race, unless of course we happen across Visa HQ.
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown
"It's not so much the Apocalypse as it is the humidity."
#484
Jacks? We know how to take
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
care of jacks, right, Steffi?
(Mickey let's Steffi out of the car)
Cavewoman (still dazed from the fall of Spidey) EEEEEEEEK!!! AN ANTEATER!!! (faints)
(Steffi proceeds to suck up the jacks)
Mickey: Good girl, Steffi, now get back in the car. I've got a bag of red ones for you. (Steffi gets back in)
Mickey: An amazing animal. So much more loyal than Ortega.
(to be continued)
#485
Funny thing about anteaters
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
They're so fickle. For instance, they just will not poop untill they find the exact spot they want. I guess I better go walk Steffi. This could take all night. See everyone tomorrow.
(to be continued)
#486
/a opens up a waterslide!
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Haha!! No one can resist the hours and hours of fun of a waterslide theme park!!
Come and while away the hours slipping and sliding down The Widowmaker and The Last Rites and The Make Sure You're A Donor!!! Are these names cheery enough? I think I might have to work on them.
But anyways! Wheeeee, c'mon in, folks, it's fun!!!
(Now, while everyone waits in line for a half hour or more, I'll be cruising down the blacktop and onward to victory!!!!!!!!!!)
Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!1
#487
[Preying upon Schmoe's weaknesses...
Date: 09/07/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
...PM brings out a dozen sacks of 20 White Castles and a steamer trunk full of comedy props!]
[PM] Hey look, Schmoe! [Holds up a box which has a copy of "Lady and the Tramp" held up by strings.] It's a suspended animation chamber! [Then holds up a handbrake covered with Slinkys.] And this is a spring brake! Lots more where these came from! Check 'em out! All the belly bombers you can eat, and all the props you can handle!
[Schmoe_Don] Neato cool boss!
[PM runs back to the rig while Schmoe is occupied. He notices that his sidekicks are missing.]
[PM] Sam! Buffalo! Guys, where are you? [A look of horror crosses his face. He looks toward the water slides...]
[Buffalo is hurtling down the slope of the Make Sure You're A Donor.] WHAOOOO- HAWAOHHOOOOEEEE!!!!
[PM] DAMN YOU, SCHMOE_DON! DAMN YOU TO HELL I SAY!!!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#488
Please don't mention Reservoir Dogs.
Date: 09/07/2001
From: motherofallcombovers
Now everytime I hear "Stuck in the Middle with You" I instantly cover ears and wince. That's an awful movie although Tim Roth was good in it.
Anyway, I'm entering the Wacky Race late but, by the grace of God, the nuns and I have caught up. We have tricks up our sleeves but won't use them unless provoked.
#489
You want provocation? =)
Date: 09/07/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM's Big Rig puls up alongside motherofallcombovers' vehcile. PM flips a switch, and nozzles pop out of the side of the Rig. PM pushes a button, and gravy sprays all over MOACO's vehicle! He then leans out the window and whistles. Suddenly, the dozen clones of the Chairman from OATB zoom up on their hoversleds and go NUTS when they see all that gravy!!!]
[Chariman clone #9] Now *that's* what I call a pot roast!
[Charman clone #5] Let's dig in, men!
[The Chairmen swarm over MOACO's vehicle like starving piranha. PM hoots like Daffy Duck as he stomps down on the gas and speeds off!!!]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#490
{Tries to catch up}
Date: 09/07/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Man, those ROVER units are useless! It also didn't help that Bobo wanted me to pull over so he could play jacks! Well, while I was waiting I had Peter Graves make clones of Lucinda. Now I have a dozen Lucinda clones & they all have brand new pitchforks! As soon as I catch up with the pack I'm gunna turn them loose!
#491
Man, Steffi!!! What'd you eat?
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Oh yeah, that's right. Jacks and red ants. Anyway, back in the race. Hey, waterslides. I'll take care of it. Hey, fat men. (Mickey throws leftover tomatoes from his failed attempt to kill everyone earlier onto the waterslides. One amazing collasal gust of wind later, and the waterslides have collapsed). Oh, I love using other racer's weapons to my advantage.
(to be continued)
#492
Hey! Spidey's waterproof!
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
And I think he could use a break!
<Several hours later, at the front of the line for Widowmaker, Lita has trouble with one of the employees. It's Jimmy, that one kid from Teenage Strangler, and he won't let Spidey go on the slide!>
Jimmy: Sorry, ma'am. The rules say you can't drive a car down the slide.
Lita: But Spidey isn't a car! He's a giant spider... car.
Jimmy: He's just too big. He's a safety hazard.
Lita: We waited in line for a really long time! And it's really hot out here! And I wanna go on the slide!
Jimmy: You can go down the slide if you want. And that shifty looking guy in the car with you can go down the slide if he wants. But the car cannot go down the slide.
Lita: But he isn't a car... exactly! How often do you clean around here? This place is a haven for bugs! I bet big 'ol spiders go down these slides all the time.
Jimmy: Ma'am...
Lita: You're just discriminating against Spidey because he's... he's...
<Evil Mike whispers in her ear.>
Lita: Because he's a car! No! He's not a car! Evil Mike!
<Evil Mike laughs quietly at his wit.>
Jimmy: Believe me, ma'am, it is not the policy of Schmoe Don Waterparks Incorporated Unlimited to discriminate against any of our patrons on the basis of race, religion, gender...
Lita: Good!
<Lita and Evil Mike roll up the windows nice and tight. Spidey pushes Jimmy aside with one of his claws, then they whoosh down the slide, and it's really fun. When they get to the pool at the bottom, Spidey makes such a big splash (what with his 8 legs and all) that all the water splashes out of the pool. The pool is now dry as a bone.>
Lita: Oh. I guess that's why that kid didn't want us on the slide.
Evil Mike: Too bad for Buffalo Bill. He was next in line. It'll be painful when he hits the bottom.
Lita: I suppose it will. Let's leave.
<Lita, Evil Mike, and Spidey get back to the race. Meanwhile, back at the top of the slide, Jimmy is having some trouble with the manager, Kalgan from Space Mutiny.>
Jimmy: I'm telling you, sir! I tried to stop them! They wouldn't listen to me!
Kalgan: Why didn't you blast them?
Jimmy: Am I allowed to do that?
<Jimmy's spazzy little brother, Mikey shows up at his side.>
Mikey: Pleeeeze Mr. Kalgan sir! Iyt wasn't mah bruther's faoult! Iyt was all mayhn!
Kalgan: I can't understand a word you're saying!
Mikey: <tearfully> Jiyimmy tryed to stop theym! Iah tol theym tah go through ahnywhay! And… and… Iah stole tha baike!
Kalgan: Shut up! You aren't making any sense!
<As Kalgan argues with Jimmy and Mikey, Buffalo, unaware that there is no water in the pool, sneaks onto the slide and starts to go down it. Won't he be surprised in a few seconds?>
#493
Space Time Continuum, won't you? n/t
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Heh heh heh... oops. :)
#494
Rimsey's Rampage of Ridiculous Revenge!
Date: 09/07/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
<Rimsey pulls up along side Spidey and the top of her vehicle opens up. Hundreds of evil, nightmarish clowns who all sound like Tim Curry jump on top of Spidey. They open him up and before Lita can stop them they grab evil Mike and haul the poor sucker out. They threaten Lita with face-eating acid bottles (in place of Seltzer water of course!) if she follows. The clowns bring Evil Mike into Rimsey's car for another make out session!>
Rim: Come on Mike, let's make with the kissy kissy! I'll make you forget Lita.
EM: Lita who?
<They engage in major tongueing (sp?) as the clowns disperse onto the other vehicles in the race. There's a really nasty clown going after Schmoe Don!>
#496
Oh, Lita, sorry
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
I don't have Ortega with me this time....but I could call Toblerone if you want.
(Mickey drives past Spidey)
(to be continued)
#496
If ya see a painted sign at the side of
Date: 09/07/2001
From: h_wood
the road, that says fifteen miles to EAT.
Yes that's right- EAT: the perfect place to stop for all you road-weary Wacky Racers! Just stop on in and have a burger and fries served up by our plucky waitress Michelle, and her abusive, alcoholic father! Take a seat next to a guy with a speech impediment who looks like a young Lane Smith. You never know who'll be stoping in to EAT... Is that Billy Bob Thornton? Why no, it's Critter, the local dirty, dirty beatnick! So drop on by EAT for good food, great times, and lots of laughs!
That ought to distract the other racers long enough for me to pull ahead...
h_wood
Warrior of Girlstown, Propreitor of EAT
"David Worth-LESS!"
Yep.
#497
(Pulls out in front of Rimsey's car...
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey gets out, wearing black pants, an orange striped shirt and white face paint???)
(Mickey procedes to be trapped in a box)
Rimmer: (Nervously points) It's a m...mm...mmm.mm...m...mmm......MIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!
(leaves car screaming, Evil Mike runs, too.)
Mickey: I knew the stuff that damn mime troop that came to my school when I was in Kindergarten would come in handy one day. (looks around) Ahhhhh, an EAT franchise. I haven't eaten all week.
(goes in)
Michelle, her dad, and Critter: MIIIIIMMMMMEEEE!!!
(they all run out. Mickey takes all the food, and wipes off his face paint)
(to be continued)
#498
<Evil Mike runs and runs, until...>
Date: 09/07/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
EM: Lita! Hi! Fancy seeing you here!
Lita: <Arms crossed, looking none too happy.> Where's Miss Rimmer?
EM: Her? I think she tripped on a cactus back there. I'm not sure. I was too busy running from the mime to pay attention to stuff like that.
Lita: Uh huh. I'm going to have to have a little chat with her later. You shouldn't get too close to her. You could catch all kinds of nasty diseases. Anyway...
EM: Where are the clowns?
Lita: What?
EM: All those scary clowns. Where are they?
Lita: Oh, well it's a funny story, actually. You know all those shoes Schmoe sold me? Well, I plunged a spiked heel into one of their brains, killing him instantly, and the rest all ran away like little crying babies.
EM: *gulp*
Lita: I hung his body from the back of Spidey to serve as an example to all the other clowns. It worked for Robinson Crusoe.
EM: Robinson Crusoe had a problem with clowns?
Lita: Now. As I was saying, It's time to go.
<Lita grabs Evil Mike by the ear and drags him back to Spidey. As they drive away, they pass Rimmer, who is not too happy to have been found by Toblerone.>
Toblerone: You are a beautiful flower in the wilderness! HA HA HA!
<back inside Spidey>
Lita: Well, I guess it was her turn. Let's give the two lovebirds some privacy, shall we? They should take at least a few hours. That Toblerone is tenacious!
EM: Hey! Look over there! An EAT!
#499
{Drives by Rimmer & Lita}
Date: 09/07/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G floors his van past the others but he slams on the brakes when the road is blocked by Rimmer's Pennywise clowns}
B_O_G: A ROVER unit should scare them off.
{B_O_G lets a ROVER unit out of the van but the clowns quickly spray acid on it destroying the ROVER unit instantly}
B_O_G They destroyed my ROVER unit. Time for plan B!
{B_O_G opens up the van's back doors & lets out the 12 Lucinda clones. The clones draw their pitchforks and they rumble with Rimmer's clowns}
#500
Lita and Evil Mike enter Eat
Date: 09/07/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
and see Mickey at the table eating some greasy big ass onion rings.
Evil Mike: Mickey! Thank goodness you're here. Did you see the mime?
Mickey: Um, no. Can't say I have. But I'm glad you two crazy kids are here. Evil Mike, I got a present for you, and I want Lita here to see you open it.
Evil Mike: (Opens present) Oh. Polaroids. Didn't these go out in the 80's?
Mickey: They're notjust any Polaroids, my evil friend. Take a look. I took them earlier in the race.
Evil Mike: Hey it's me.....and Ass!!!
Lita: Oh, you...
Mickey: Have fun kids, bye. (runs out of Eat)
Evil Mike: Hey, an orange striped shirt...he was the...Oh look at this one.
(to be continued)
Conclusion of Wacky Races 2
Go back to part 2 of the WR2
Back to main page